NYC, A $20 Bill and Hope

by Amanda – April 28, ‘08 Christian Science Sentinel

After college, i moved to new york city to begin a career working for the marketing division of a record label. I was mesmerized by the thrill of living in a thriving metropolis and landing an exciting job that included lots of social opportunities and free concerts. What I didn’t realize at the time is that I would soon be embarking on a more important journey out of hopelessness that would put God at the center of my life.

Shortly after I arrived, I started dating a guy I met at a rock venue who was in the music industry as well. About a month into our relationship I discovered he was a regular user of recreational drugs. But I figured it went hand-in-hand with a career in the music industry. We got along really well, and I found him so charming and attractive that I didn’t give it a second thought.

However, a few months later, as we started spending more time together, I was shocked to realize I was dating a heroin addict. In spite of this, we continued to see each other. Hailing from the Midwest, I enjoyed what I thought was an exciting post-college lifestyle in the “real world” of New York.

Then one night he asked me if I wanted to join him on a “candy run.” I was a fan of chocolate. So naively, I agreed to go. But a 3:00 a.m. trip to a shady section of Jersey City wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. The area was littered with graffiti, trash, and broken-down cars. My boyfriend told me to stay in the car while he met someone on a nearby street corner. Alone in the car was the last place I wanted to be. When he returned a few minutes later, he had two small bags of what I soon learned was heroin.

This was just the first of several late-night “candy runs,” and somehow I was always dragged along. Sitting in the car, I kept a nervous lookout for the police. Thoughts often raced through my head. I knew better than this! But I was totally smitten by him, and I felt like it was a better option than being alone. In any case, it was a small price to pay for what I thought was an enthralling life—a cool boyfriend and a great job in the big city.

Not long after this, my boyfriend became physically and emotionally abusive. The drugs changed his behavior. Within minutes he would go from silly and funny to rough and agitated. He would criticize me, blame me for things I hadn’t done, hit me, and make me feel worthless. Pretty soon I couldn’t focus at work and felt emotionally unstable.

Eventually, I turned my back on my family and lied to my friends about whom I was with, because they disapproved of my boyfriend. My priorities shifted to focus entirely on my relationship. I stopped pursuing my own interests and constantly changed my plans so I could hang out with him as much as possible. I was so desperate to feel accepted that I even considered doing drugs myself. Before I knew it, I was a shadow of the sweet, loving person I’d once been. Instead, I’d become frightened and insecure. Rather than defining my self-worth spiritually, in terms of how God saw me, I defined myself by what this man thought of me. In the past I’d never felt the need to have a boyfriend in order to feel complete. But now I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

Ever since childhood I’d turned to God for guidance. And throughout my life I’d experienced many healings as the result of Christian Science treatment, including ones of a brown recluse spider bite, anorexia, and homesickness. But during this time in my life, I was almost afraid to turn to God for help. I was so embarrassed by my social behavior and the young man I was dating that I just couldn’t see a way out.

I reached a new low after handing over all my rent money so he could buy heroin. I wasn’t quite sure how things had reached this point—how everything had spun out of control. Walking through Central Park one evening, penniless, hopeless, I finally just whispered, “Please, God, help me.”

At that very moment I looked down. And on the sidewalk in front of me was a $20 bill. I checked to see if someone might have dropped it, but no one was around. As I picked it up, I made the decision right then and there to change my life. Finding the money was certainly a blessing, but it also broke the heaviness that had been hanging over me. For the first time, I felt there was a reason to hope—that there might be a chance things could turn around.

That night instead of going to my boyfriend’s apartment, I went to my own place across town. My roommates were preparing dinner, and they invited me to join them. After we ate, I went to my room and opened up Science and Health. It had been a long time since I’d done that, but as I read, I felt so calm and peaceful.
About a week later, my boyfriend lost his job. Out of money, he had to move back to his parents’ house in a different state. This was the first time in over a year that we’d been apart, and I was depressed and lonely.

It wasn’t easy, but a few weeks after he moved, I began going out and doing things by myself again. On my way home from work one night, I stopped at a local deli for a sandwich. While I sat outside eating, I noticed a Christian Science church right across the street. It was such a refreshing sight to see something so familiar. It just happened to be a Wednesday night, so I threw the rest of my sandwich in my bag and decided to go to the evening testimony meeting. Even though I was 20 minutes late and my jeans were ripped in the knees, the church members greeted me with such warmth and smiles that it brought tears to my eyes. It had been so long since I’d felt such love.

There was a Christian Science Reading Room in the front of the church, so I bought that week’s Christian Science Bible Lesson and stocked up on a few periodicals. The ideas in the Lesson that week were exactly what I needed. One that really struck a chord with me said: “Spirit blesses man, but man cannot ‘tell whence it cometh.’ By it the sick are healed, the sorrowing are comforted, and the sinning are reformed” (Science and Health, p. 78). To me, this meant that Spirit, or God, is always taking care of us even when we feel completely hopeless.

I returned to church again the following week and started going there regularly. My social calendar had really opened up without having a boyfriend around, and I looked forward to the church services each week. Although we were still in touch over the phone, it soon became obvious that the relationship wasn’t going to work. After three months apart, we decided to end things.

Although the relationship was over, the abuse and constant belittling from the past relationship were haunting. They left me feeling self-conscious, ugly, and stupid. Plagued by feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem—and feeling hopeless about my life—I decided to call a Christian Science practitioner. She helped me understand that since God was never helpless, or hopeless, I couldn’t be either. Since I was God’s child, it was in my nature to express goodness and radiate confidence.

At one point in the conversation the practitioner suggested that I make a list of all the Godlike qualities I wanted to find in a companion and then concentrate on expressing them myself in my own day-to-day activities. I also decided to make a special effort to appreciate the Godlike qualities that others were expressing. Eventually, I began to notice a change in my own social behavior. I was much more outgoing and trusting. Feelings of worthlessness, fear, and anger began to subside, and were replaced with the conviction that everything good and true about me (and even my ex-boyfriend) came from God and was permanent. I finally felt rooted in something concrete. No thing or thought or person, I realized, could extinguish the promise of God’s love in my life.

This new way of seeing myself also helped me see my ex-boyfriend in a new light. I was able to understand that he was just as cared for and loved by God as I was. The unconditional love I felt began to affect my interactions with others, and I found myself more gentle and forgiving than I’d ever been.

Almost a year later, a friend of mine introduced me to a new intern at his graphic design studio. After a while the two of us started talking more often, and I learned we had a lot of the same interests—like seeing live music. As we spent more time together, I learned that he was a musician, but didn’t drink and never had done so much as smoke a cigarette. He was intelligent, funny, patient, environmentally aware, compassionate, loving, genuine—all the qualities I’d listed! We’ve been dating for quite some time now, and the best thing about our relationship is that we can experience these good qualities together as much as when we’re apart.

It wasn’t an easy path, but it’s liberating to know that I’m not reliant on another person to validate the good in me. It comes straight from God. And with God charting my course, I know any feelings of hopelessness or discouragement won’t be able to get the better of me.