by Kendra Scott
I thought I’d share how I ended up in Boston doing this music internship after expecting to be at acting school in Chicago for the next four years. Maybe this will help someone in a place of transition—looking for direction.
I was in that Chicago acting school and I was exhausted from trying to feel something. I had been angry with myself because I felt uninspired by the acting classes I attended everyday. I felt useless and purposeless because of this supposed “lack of inspiration.”
Of course all artists feel uninspired at certain times throughout their careers, but this emptiness didn’t feel the way it had in the past. I wondered if I’d lost my joy for theater. Had I willed myself to love theater instead of listening to
God for my purpose in life? The worst part about this feeling was that it felt like a loss of identity. Who was I if I couldn’t express God through one of the most joyous forms I’d known to date?
So I decided to make a deal with God. I said, “God, if you can give me some sort of direction right now, I will put the little bit of energy I have left into committing to Your direction.”
An idea from Science and Health came to mind, “Christian Science silences human will, quiets fear with Truth and Love….” I was working on quieting my own fear—the fear of feeling empty. I needed to stop intellectualizing and start listening to God. I felt that if I could silence my own human will, I could hear God telling me what to do next, even if it meant that I move away from my goal of going to school for acting.
I also prayed with the ideas in the passage “Love inspires, illumines, designates, and leads the way. Right motives give pinions to thought, and strength and freedom to speech and action.” They were reaffirming for me that I could find inspiration through Love or God. What a comforting thought. I decided that this was my assignment: to love. Everyone and every thing.
As I changed my focus to something other than acting—and my own personal desire to receive joy—and started to focus on what God was giving me, I began to live the Bible statement, “not my will, but Thine, be done.” I started by trying to love the people I saw in the hallways, in my classes and even on the streets, and began to worry less about my work.
Interestingly enough, instead of receiving negative feedback from my acting professors and peers, I received very positive feedback. I discovered that there was less pressure when I performed because my focus was on giving love and taking the selfish motives out of acting, rather than trying to receive approval or my own satisfaction from the piece.
One night about a week later, I was still looking for a concrete answer. As I went to sleep yearning to hear God, I opened my heart as much as I possibly could and repeated this sentence from Science and Health to myself, “Desire is prayer; and no loss can occur from trusting God with our desires….”
When I woke up the next morning, the sun was shining into my room. This was the first time I’d awakened before my alarm clock went off and was ready for the day since I’d moved to Chicago four months ago. The warmth of the morning sun streaming through my window on a below zero morning made me feel like grace was washing over me. Right away I thought of Mrs. Eddy’s definition of morning that I’d written on a little sheet of paper and taped to my wall a few months earlier. It read, “Morning: Light; symbol of Truth; revelation and progress.” Progress! Waking up in order to embrace the day with love did feel like huge progress. In that moment, I knew for sure that I wasn’t supposed to be at this school the next semester. I almost couldn’t believe how easy getting the answer had been.
Inspired by this new confidence in discovering this wise and all-loving tour guide for my life, I decided that maybe God had a better plan for me than I could figure out on my own. I continued calmly to listen for God’s direction when I left Chicago and flew home. At New Year’s, I wrote down a list of ways in which I wanted to grow, activities I wanted to take part in, or qualities I wanted to express more often during the following months.
One of the goals on my list had to been to grow further in my love for singing and piano. Within three weeks I was given this music internship opportunity.
Another goal had been to continue trusting God, like it says in the Bible, “Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?” And later it says, “For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” And this desire to turn my trust over to God, brought me to plan a trip to volunteer to help re-build houses in New Orleans.
It’s funny how accurate the quote about desire being prayer is, because I have continued to grow and develop new desires and goals for my life. I have a better understanding of the fact that expression is endless, therefore I could not be limited to one desire (to act). I am liberated by the fact that I have the capability to do anything as an infinite expression of God. It makes me think of the hymn that says, “Green pastures are before me, Which yet I have not seen…” (Christian Science Hymnal, No. 148).
I’m excited for what comes next in my life.
“Christian Science silences human will, quiets fear with Truth and Love….” (S&H 445:19-20)
“Love inspires, illumines, designates, and leads the way. Right motives give pinions to thought, and strength and freedom to speech and action” (S&H 454:18-21).
“not my will, but Thine, be done” (Luke 22:42).
“Desire is prayer; and no loss can occur from trusting God with our desires…” (S&H 1:11-12).
“Morning: Light; symbol of Truth; revelation and progress” (S&H 591:23).
“Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? …for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matt. 6:31-32).
“Green pastures are before me, Which yet I have not seen…” (Hymn 148).
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