by Margaret Rogers
Dear Margaret,
I appreciate your thoughtful letter and I apologize for how long it has taken me to respond. There has been much to think about.
You said in your letter that if Christian Science seems nearest to
the truth we should try to follow it, even if we can’t prove it all
at present. I generally agree with this and have followed Christian
Science my whole life, accepting the areas of ambiguity and holes
in my understanding. But within the last year I have had trouble
practicing Christian Science with these gaps of proof and
understanding.
When I read Science and Health, the Bible Lesson, or listen in
church, I really think about how believing each statement will make
me conduct myself. I wonder if being a Christian Scientist makes me
the best person I can be. This may stem from the fact that when I
am not practicing Christian Science, I feel more at ease and less
internally conflicted. This may be because Christian Science is
just plain challenging. It’s the truth, but it’s very challenging
to live by.
On the one hand, I don’t want that to be the reason I leave
Christian Science. On the other hand I am tired of practicing
something that makes me feel like a failure. I ask myself why I
haven’t completely bagged Christian Science and it must be because
there are so many things about it that are beautiful. I must be
looking for a resolution that does not involve the total
abandonment of Christian Science. But without more clarity on the
issues of healing and death, I am finding its study frustrating.
I like the focus on destroying sin. I have always understood sin to
be a separation from God or, like you said, a mistaken view of
reality. And although this is more important than physical healing,
it seems quite connected because a corrected view of reality
results in physical healing. I understand that in Mrs. Eddy’s
enlightenment, when she saw life as wholly spiritual, she felt the
impetus to spread her idea of freedom from physical pain and
sickness. If she, and Gandhi for that matter, saw a glimpse of
Spirit, it makes sense that they would share the freedom they think
can result from that.
But I wonder if time on earth is best spent struggling against what
we ultimately may not control. I do believe in a reality beyond the
physical senses, but I don’t know if never accepting the human
condition is the healthiest way to live. That is my underlying
question. I am troubled by the extremes on both sides. We have all
seen people that let themselves be victims to everything around
them. But I am also troubled by the idea of constantly praying to
avoid physical pain and death because they may not be worth the
energy worrying about, and second of all, may not be controllable.
In Christian Science the goal of prayer is to draw closer to Truth
or God. You acknowledged that some people have it backwards and
talk and act like physical healing is the purpose of Christian
Science. I see this a lot and probably do it myself, too. I want to
keep complaints about how people practice separate from Christian
Science itself. But my problem is that I think there is something
inherent in its theology that makes people act that way.
You said that when Mrs. Eddy saw life as wholly spiritual, it had
the practical effect of healing her body. The goal of prayer is to
see the true reality, and the effect of that is a change in the
body towards greater harmony with Spirit. So it seems to me that
health is a measurement of closeness with God or a pure view of
reality. The idea that physical health can be reached through
prayer has strong implications about those who aren’t healthy. I
disagree with the idea that someone who gets a disease or is in a
car wreck was not being spiritually watchful enough. Or that
someone who is not healed of a disease holds an incorrect view of
reality. This may not be directly said in Christian Science, but if
a correct view of reality has the practical effect of healing the
body, then the opposite must be true as well.
This leads me to the question of how does this belief make me lead
my life? There are positives that include being watchful, striving
for understanding and closeness with God. But I also see some
serious negatives associated with a belief in physical healing of
the body. First of all, it implies a kind of control that I doubt
we have. On a daily basis people are born with HIV, die in car
crashes, etc. I don’t understand how these events could have been
prevented. Isn’t it too much pressure on people to ask them to
spiritually protect themselves from these events? How does a baby
see the true reality and not get HIV? Also, it seems that people
who are honest seekers of truth, who are disciplined and diligent
in their spiritual practice still get sick and die. Even if healing
is true and possible, when I have children do I want to say to them
“Pray and strive to know God and you will be protected.” Maybe it
is better to say, “Pray and strive to know God and when hurtful
things happen, know that your spiritual connection to God remains.”
I don’t think I want to live my life always trying to prevent bad
things from happening or trying to heal physical things. I’ve never
seen anyone prevent or heal everything. I have seen it on a smaller
scale and I understand why people continue to seek healing, even if
they cannot apply it to everything right now. But if no one is
doing it on a large scale and there are random, unfair instances of
pain and death, maybe seeking physical healing (or seeing reality
and experiencing the effect of healing) is misguided. In my daily
life, it seems healthier to strive to love and know that tomorrow I
could die, but it would not be a reflection on me or on God. It
would not be a failure.
Another roadblock I have with the concept of healing is how it
deals with death. In your letter you wrote, “Death is a belief, not
a finality.” My question surrounding this statement may just be an
issue of terminology. Do you think that death is a belief because
of your concept of “life after death?” When Christian Scientists
say they don’t believe in death, is it that spiritually we never
die? I’m having trouble because as Christian Scientists, we never
seem to acknowledge a physical death, even though everyone
experiences it. If our identity is not material, then who we are
never dies, but we can’t argue that our body goes away. So when you
say death is a belief are you really saying that after a material
death, life continues?
Or can prayer prevent a physical death? In praying to know a more
correct reality, our physical body can be healed, but sometimes our
physical body dies. How do these two things go together? I don’t
want to be praying and hoping to see the effects of those prayers
in a physical healing when it is my time to die. I expect that at
sometime in my life I will watch my parents move out of this
material existence. I hope that I can help facilitate this passing
when it is right and not be hoping for a healing. Sometimes you
don’t get the opportunity to say goodbye and that’s OK. But if I
have the opportunity, I would like to be able to say goodbye,
instead of thinking the death won’t occur.
I hope you think there is some legitimacy in my questions and
concerns. So many people leave Christian Science, I think, because
they can’t find a place for open discourse about problems. I know
this letter has gone on forever and there is a lot in here. Your
email helped me really get the wheels turning and start to fluff
out what my hesitations have been. There is so much good in
Christian Science and so much that really reaches me. But I haven’t
been able to pray when faced with a physical dilemma for a long
time because it doesn’t make sense to me right now. If you have the
time, I would love to hear your comments. Thanks for the help.
Sincerely,
Dear …,
I certainly do feel your questions are legitimate and I welcome
them. My aim is to answer with my heart—not to persuade you to
follow Christian Science, but to tell you some of my reasons for
doing so.
On the question of failure, an analogy occurs to me. If I were
studying violin with a great master, I might at some point realize
that I wasn’t going to reach her level in a lifetime. I might
choose to stop playing, or perhaps choose an instrument that I felt
I could handle better. On the other hand, I might choose to
continue because I’d found nothing in my life that I loved as much
as the violin, and I wanted to make as much progress as I could
even when I couldn’t master some pieces.
The mythologist Joseph Campbell said, “Follow your bliss.” I
believe we’re all compelled somehow to find our bliss and follow it
to the best of our ability. Not that it feels like bliss at every
moment. As I said, I’ve certainly struggled with doubts, fear, and
failure. But actually, I don’t think there’s any path in life that
is free of that. I know quite a few people who struggle greatly
within the conventional medical path.
Physical health can be a measurement of one’s understanding of God,
but not all the time by any means. Obviously there are physically
healthy people who don’t understand God, and saints who are
sickly. Sick people, including Christian Scientists, aren’t
failures. In practicing spiritual healing, we’re overcoming the
weight of human theories that say matter calls the shots, and that
there isn’t a power greater than matter. This is the culture that
surrounds us. But to me, the Christianly Scientific explanations
of God and life make more sense, and they make life worth living.
I don’t want to go along with a delusion of matter being
everything. So I won’t stop trying to free myself and others from
these beliefs even though I don’t always fully succeed. To me,
it’s a freedom/justice struggle even greater than the one against
human slavery. As you know, S&H makes that comparison (p. 224 etc.).
If suffering is due to ignorance of God, I want to lift that
ignorance, even if I can only help in a small way. I think of all
the people who have fought to save others from slavery of various
kinds, even though they didn’t see complete success in their
lifetimes. They probably felt like failures a lot of the time.
Some probably even had doubts about what they were fighting for.
At those times, you’ve got to ask the hard questions, as you are
doing. Prayer helps me sort things out—just asking God to show me
the truth and to give me the strength and humility to follow it.
You ask if never accepting the human condition is the healthiest
way to live, and if it’s too much pressure on people to ask them to
spiritually protect themselves from sickness and death. I realize
that at this point in my development I won’t heal everything. But
if I had AIDS, I would rather know about Christian Science and the
possibility of healing than not know about it. Everyone may not
feel that way. Knowledge that there are other means of healing
than material ones may be a pressure on us to keep growing
spiritually, but I think it’s worth it and that we can stay humble
and not fall into self-condemnation.
On the question of death, I accept the idea that we’re
fundamentally consciousness, not matter. As I understand it, the
physical body is our present, limited concept of our eternal
identity. When Jesus ascended, his material sense of substance gave
place to the understanding of his spiritual identity, which
continues forever. His body didn’t die. It disappeared to the
physical senses. The death of the body doesn’t end our identity.
As consciousness, we keep growing until we reach the Mind of Christ
as he did. Prayer has prevented physical death many times,
sometimes giving people many more years of life here. But the goal
isn’t to prevent it, but to make as much progress as we can toward
the spiritualization of thought Jesus accomplished. He said he was
“the way” to eternal life, and that we would accomplish what he did.
Maybe sometime I can tell you about my experience when my mom
passed on. It wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful for some remarkable
things I learned about life as consciousness. We shared a lot of
love at that time and said equivalents of “good bye” (literally,
God be with you) in ways that weren’t sad. It didn’t feel like a
failure, but a moving on. I often feel closer to her now than when
she was here, and I think that’s because we both loved the same
ideas and are drawing closer to them and therefore to each other.
I encourage you to keep seeking truth that fits your present need—
and of course, praying! I’m glad to continue the discussion if you
want to, when you want to.
Much love,
Margaret
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These “Theological Wrestlings” e-mail letters are very thought provoking and really helpful. I’m already looking forward to the next ones. Thanks so much!
Thank you both for your letters. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and humility. Thank you for sharing your conversation, which has helped me with many of the same questions I have had as I genuinely try to practice Christian Science.
I just found this site and this blog. I really appreciate the honesty and am really glad that TMCYouth has a site like this. These are questions that I’ve asked myself, too. I haven’t come up with all the answers, but I don’t know anything else that makes more sense to me than Christian Science.
To the anonymous questioner:
Just a little more about the idea of expecting people to defend and protect themselves. Although it is true that if we were totally on our game, we would be immune from everything, it is false theology in Christian Science to judge others based on their challenges or to say, “i guess Joe wasn’t very spiritual since he just got in a car crash.” I’m too young to know where or when that sort of thinking came from, but from all my study of Christian Science and Mary Baker Eddy, I have never found anything that would support that type of thinking. Even Paul mentioned a thorn in his side that he never was able to heal. Whether it was physical or not, I don’t know, but we have to be careful that we use the truths in Christian Science to love and heal the world, not to rank everyone according to their physical completeness. The desire to do this reveals a certain materialism because it uses matter to determine the state of affairs instead of defining our progress based on our mental state. You are right that we cannot always avoid accidents or the beliefs of heredity, but we can strive each day to be in the right place and to know our true spiritual heritage through listening to Mind. And it is to our advantage to do this because it does help reduce our risk. When we are letting mortal mind govern our thinking, we have a much easier day because we don’t need to worry about discipline and checking our thoughts, but we also must admit the frailty of our existence and our happiness if we do. The other option is to work our butts off to go against the grain every day. It doesn’t always seem fun, but when our treasures are in Spirit, we can never lose them. And it’s not an all or nothing kind of thing. Mrs. Eddy tells us to “emerge gently from matter into Spirit,” (S&H 485), so we don’t have to take it or leave it. We can take as much of it as we are ready to and grow into the rest, but if we aren’t subscribing to the teachings of CS (even if we like some of the ideas in it), it would be unfair to lay the blame for our difficulties on CS or to call it ineffective.
No matter how far you are willing to follow CS, I would find it hard to understand how a CSer could judge you–for to do this would be unChristian and therefore against the teachings of CS itself. Happy travels!