by Steve Helmer
Well, join the club. Sadly, a lot of families live in that space. Getting the keys to the car, setting curfew, making college choices—even being the "right" kind of Christian Scientist.
As a new foster parent with teens, I’ve been thinking hard about what is fair and right and helpful—and about keeping the peace at home.
Here’s one way I’ve found to start moving out of the "hell" of family battles and into a better place—to rev up healing, rather than misery.
Society thinks that the arguing between kids and parents is normal, even expected. So, we hardly stop to question it.
But something in the Bible tells me we should, "I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." We don’t have to lie down and roll over for this heavily advertised "ailment"—strife at home.
Sometimes when I’ve beat my head against a wall—tried and tried to find answers, and gotten nowhere—I’ve turned to Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy.
It’s got a chapter called "Marriage" that has lots that’s useful for sorting out any kind of relationship. Something that’s helped me is this statement, "Mutual compromises will often maintain a compact which might otherwise become unbearable." She goes on to say, "Fulfilling the different demands of their united spheres, their sympathies should blend in sweet confidence and cheer, each partner sustaining the other, — thus hallowing the union of interests and affections, in which the heart finds peace and home."
A holy partnership, a team, unity and peace—"fulfilling the different demands of their united spheres." Not exactly the way we always experience parent/child relationships, right?
I’ve found that so long as I think that other people are our problem, I’m still looking at the world from a worm’s eye level. "If only I could fix this person (or get rid of him/her). Then life would be great." Really?
I’ve discovered that there’s a different view available to us and it’s one that heals. Spirit, God, opens up stunning new views, of us, and of our parents (who and what we are—and where we really live, together, in Spirit).
But how do you get to that vantage point?
I know that I truly want what’s best for my foster kids. I love them. Maybe it comes out in weird ways to them, but it’s genuine. If you’re on the flip side, and trying to find some common ground with your parents, maybe you could start by loving the love they have for you?
What does loving them a little and trying to cultivate that love do?
It can reconnect you at a much deeper level, where peace is natural and normal. Love—real love—begins to undo the gridlock and reveal the divine fact of your relation to every one of God’s ideas.
"Have we not all one father? hath not one God created us?" Yes! And that makes us all equal in God’s eyes. So while our roles are different—and parents do have the final say on a lot of what goes on in your household—that equality protects each family member. Putting our weight behind the truth that we are all divinely created and maintained, throws open the windows toward heaven, even family harmony.
I’d say that most of us are doing the very best we know how when we’re dealing with family relationships. I’d love to hear about your best and how it’s changing your family dynamics.
Jer 29:11 I know
I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Mutual compromises will often maintain a compact which might otherwise become unbearable.
Fulfilling the different demands of their united spheres, their sympathies should blend in sweet confidence and cheer, each partner sustaining the other, — thus hallowing the union of interests and affections, in which the heart finds peace and home.
Mal 2:10 (to 2nd ?)
Have we not all one father? hath not one God created us?
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Man I wish I had taken this to heart while I was in my teens - now that I’m in my twenties I see that so much of what I used to argue with my parents about was so unnecessary. Thanks for a very thought filled blog.
Thank you ever so much for writing that blog, it was so helpful. I have often
wondered what the best approach for healing is when I am struggling to get along with family members. Your blog really helps me to think about what I can think of when I am trying to find something to pray with.
Little Joe,
Hi. Glad this helped.
Yea, little things can look really huge at the time. Some distance can pull us back, together.
I hope you know you really aren’t alone, looking back, maybe with regrets.
Don’t be too tough on yourself. We all live and learn—move beyond past stuff. You may remember what’s one of my favorite Old Testament stories, about two brothers, Jacob and Esau (Genesis 33).
A very messy family history. Jacob and his brother are at odds right from the get go. The parents play favorites. It all implodes, with Jacob running for his life after tricking Esau out of his blessing, and having to live far away with relatives.
But in the end, this toxic blend of human personalities gets remixed—the “curse” broken. God saves them from the worst, deeply changes them, and puts them back together as family—as real brothers.
They find they can just drop the whole sad feud—hurt feelings, stone walling, revenge—, forgive and return home, into God’s warm embrace.
No matter how much bad blood, how strong the smell of smoke left over, God can “restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten” (Joel 2: 25), bless everyone.
Be well.
Steve