What are you doing?

Matt Lawrence
Reprinted from the February 13, 2006, issue of the CS Sentinel.
Rated for teens and up

When I first went to college, I got sucked into the party atmosphere. And then one night, I suddenly realized I didn’t need to drink to have a good time — and my life changed for the better.

In high school, I didn’t feel any peer pressure to drink. I had a group of friends who liked to have fun, but they weren’t into drinking.

Going off to college was a new experience. My school was big on the party scene, and I was the only Christian Scientist on campus. I was also a member of the baseball team, and I desperately wanted to fit in with the team socially.

It seemed as though everyone drank, especially the athletes. Instead of the typical big frat parties, my friends had small, personal parties in their dorm rooms with a few people, so there was more peer pressure to drink.

Freshman year, I was practicing Christian Science during the day-reading the weekly Bible Lesson and praying with the idea that God was the true source of my energy and my health.

But at night, I’d turn the switch off and join the party scene. It was risky because if I’d been caught, I could have been kicked off the baseball team.

One night, when about nine of us were drinking pretty heavily, I got up to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t walk straight and was zigzagging down the hall, hitting every wall on the way.

I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger’s reflection.

While I was washing my hands in the sink, I remember looking up into the bathroom mirror and seeing a stranger’s reflection. I didn’t recognize him, and it scared me. It was such a moment of awakening for me-as if someone had slapped me and said, “Hey, what are you doing?” I remember thinking to myself, “Who are you?” And then this overwhelming thought came to me: “You are God’s child-His reflection!”

Immediately, I felt God’s presence, and the feeling of being intoxicated left. I felt 100 percent normal.

It was then that I realized this need, this wanting to fit in and be socially accepted, really wasn’t who I was. This image I’d accepted of myself as being incomplete-as needing to fit in with my peers to be content-was an illusion. It wasn’t me. My true identity was already whole, satisfied, and acceptable to God. I didn’t need to try to make myself better, or more likeable.

In God’s eyes, I was already everything that I could be. It was a very powerful moment.

I didn’t need to drink anymore.

After these angel thoughts came to me, I walked back to the room to join my friends-but I didn’t drink any more. They couldn’t believe that I was sober. Although they didn’t pressure me to drink the rest of that night, the next time they wanted to get together for some beers, I just said, “I don’t need to drink.”

When my friends and I went out, they were amazed that I didn’t need a few drinks to get loose. I could walk in the door and dance with a girl while they couldn’t. They had to drink three or four beers before they could be themselves and have fun. I didn’t need to lean on that crutch anymore.

They would joke with me and ask, “Hey, how can you do it? How can you not drink and be loose?” My simple answer was, “I don’t need to drink to be me”-because I knew that my real support came from God.

After that party, I felt compelled to start attending Sunday School again on a regular basis. I had realized that the need for acceptance I felt was actually a desire to be content with my identity. That desire can only be satisfied by divine Love.

I started getting a lot out of Sunday School by exploring new spiritual ideas, and talking with other Christian Scientists my age about the issues we were all facing.

I had a better grasp of my spiritual identity.

Through this renewed commitment to attending Sunday School and practicing Christian Science 24/7, I started to have a better grasp on my relationship to God and my own spiritual identity. Soon I realized there was another side to college. There were others who were interested in doing things other than drinking.

I made a completely new group of friends who respected my values and decisions, and who still had an active social life. I started getting grades in school that I never knew I could get. I became more active on campus. I was elected to student government, joined and created campus organizations, and had a great time playing baseball.

I found that the more I leaned on God for support, the more I could accomplish.

Senior year I was voted co-captain of the baseball team, and I found myself in a new position as role model. I let my team know that I was not going to drink. I had worn those freshman cleats, and I wanted everyone to know it was okay to abstain from the drinking and party life.

We all played a little better that year.

I think that year everyone on the team respected baseball a little more and drank less, which was better for our performance on the field. I felt that was a tribute to the whole team, because each of us had helped create that atmosphere.

We still had team get-togethers, and I would always offer an alternative to alcohol by bringing the pop to the party. We had some good times. I never criticized anyone for drinking, and I didn’t preach my views. But I always tried to be true to myself. I found that my teammates were more open to and respectful of my decisions and my leadership-by-example style.

This experience helped me lean on God more in every aspect of my life, from my private life to my relationship with co-workers. Since then, there have been some great times and some rough times. But the one constant has been that God is right here with me.

Matt graduated from college and lives in Boston, Massachusetts. He is a videographer for professional baseball teams, supplying video clips for commercial and promotional use.

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