Striking a balance: prayer conquers an eating disorder

Amy Nickell - Christian Science Sentinel, Feb. 19, 2007

When I was in college, I became obsessed with my weight. My first thought in the morning was either “How can I avoid eating today?” or “I’m fat.” I ate very little and often starved myself. Although this condition was never diagnosed, the symptoms were consistent with anorexia.

I was a lifelong Christian Scientist, and I recognized this as an obsession that wasn’t right. But I prayed about it only sporadically. People commented on my weight, but I would dismiss their concerns. I never considered myself skinny. I didn’t think I had a problem, until I stepped on a friend’s scale one afternoon and tipped it to only 93 pounds—fully clothed and with shoes.

This I knew was not a healthy weight for a woman of my height. In fact, it shocked me, and I realized I needed to pray more seriously about my condition.

I wasn’t sure how to start, but I found comfort when I turned to my favorite passages from the Bible and the writings of Mary Baker Eddy. One was this: “Never ask for to-morrow: it is enough that divine Love is an ever-present help; and if you wait, never doubting, you will have all you need every moment” (Miscellaneous Writings 1883–1896, p. 307). This was particularly helpful during my last year in college, when I found it very difficult to concentrate on my studies. Even though I was struggling with fatigue from obsessing about food and not eating, I knew in my heart that God would continue to sustain me as I prayed.

And I was seeing some progress as a result of my prayers. As I fell into a routine of classes, I noticed that I was beginning to eat more regularly, although I still felt anxious and my portions were very small. In order not to become discouraged with my progress, I made an effort not to weigh myself. I prayed to know that my strength, abilities, and intelligence were neither dependent on what I ate nor on how much I ate. I had all these qualities from God, at all times, because they were included in my spiritual identity as a daughter of God.

As a result of continual prayer, I was able to successfully complete my class work, and my academics didn’t suffer.

After graduation, as I continued praying, I had many moments of spiritual clarity and inspiration. These encouraged me. I was realizing that the thoughts coming to me in a constant stream and telling me I was too fat were totally untrue because they didn’t have their origin in Truth. I wanted to see myself the way God saw me. It wasn’t easy, and at times I felt as if I would worry about my weight for the rest of my life. By this time, I so wanted to feel normal, to just eat when I was hungry and not think about it. During those times of discouragement, I would read as many testimonies of healing in the Christian Science magazines as I could find. Those healings—of all kinds of problems and illnesses—gave me great hope that this eating disorder wasn’t something I had to live with and only manage.

Gradually, I started to realize that I was the expression of God, who is our very Soul, and that instead of concentrating on my body, I could focus on my spiritual identity. I saw that my true substance was not material, and that because God is also the infinite and only Mind, He would enable me to throw off the obsessive, intruding thoughts. This idea from Science and Health gave me the strength to do that: “The divine Mind is the Soul of man, and gives man dominion over all things” (p. 307). What a promise that was!

All this prayer brought many blessings and spiritual growth. I married a wonderfully supportive man, started working full time, and experienced several other healings unrelated to my struggle with food. During that time, I was able to sit down and eat at mealtimes, although I was still underweight and eating was a continual challenge.

Despite moments of discouragement, I could see God working in my life. I didn’t give up. I continued diligently with my prayers. I got new inspiration from this passage in Isaiah: “For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands” (55:12). I grew in the conviction that this mountain of a problem, as it seemed to me, would reach a breaking point and disappear.

Then one Saturday at lunch, I made a ham and cheese sandwich. At first, all I could do was stare at it. I was hungry, but I couldn’t eat it. The mental battle was there, still, after all this time. I was feeling discouraged and ready to cry.

Then the thought came to me quietly, “You are healed.”

“Yeah, right,” I thought. “I’m healed and I can’t even eat a sandwich!” But the thought came again, “You are healed.”

OK, I reasoned, what if I am? I accepted this thought. Then relief swept over me. I sat down and ate that sandwich without hesitation.

That was the beginning of the end. Over the next several weeks, the arguments to refrain from eating would surface, but each time, the more I accepted that I was healed, the less I heard those arguments. Like echoes in a canyon or fading memories, those unhealthy thoughts became fainter and fainter until they were gone. I began to eat more normally, and my weight began to normalize.

That was over 20 years ago, and I’ve never struggled with that illness again. I eat regular portions at mealtimes, and I have maintained a healthy weight. I don’t think about food as something that has the potential to help or harm me. The healing has been permanent, and I’ve never worried that I would experience that problem again.

Through this healing, I also learned that there is a natural balance to eating. I don’t feel the temptation to overindulge. My weight has not fluctuated, and although I continue to be slim, I’m not obsessed with how I look. In fact, if friends ask how I stay slim, I often make sure I’m thinking about myself in spiritual terms. I think about the passage in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus instructs his followers to “take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat” (Matt. 6:25). To me, this doesn’t mean we should approach eating with recklessness, but rather that by trusting God to care for us, the ideas of appropriate portions and balance will result without excessive or obsessive thought. Food is a necessary part of human life, to be enjoyed in a balanced way.

I’ve since seen how that experience clearly illustrates the illusory nature of mortal mind. I’d thought I was “fat”—that’s what I saw in the mirror. But I wasn’t fat at all. To everyone around me, I was skin and bones. Talk about illusion! I learned that mortal thoughts can never be trusted to give us accurate information about the true substance of who we are. It’s the spiritual sense of things that brings health and well-being into focus. |CSS

Amy Nickell is an amateur equestrian and enjoys riding her horse Sammy. She is also a mom and is involved in community volunteer work.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 31st, 2007 at 9:17 am and is filed under Self-esteem, Healing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.