By Carol Matthews-Nicoli - Christian Science Sentinel, July 3, 2006
This was it. My moment of truth. Standing in line in the college cafeteria, I stared at the display of ziti and cheese, and waited for an answer to my prayer.
About three weeks before this moment, I’d moved into my dorm room in New York City and waited to meet my new college roommate. Leaving behind all my close relationships at home had seemed the start of a great adventure. But it hadn’t taken long for loneliness to sink in—along with the sudden understanding that it takes a lot of time to make friends as connected as my group back home. When this fear was strongest, I felt relieved knowing there was someone assigned to live with me. At least I wouldn’t be completely alone.
As it turned out, my roommate and I got along remarkably well. But the security of having her around vanished all too soon when she announced her boyfriend was flying in for her birthday. They wanted to be alone. The only problem was that I’d mostly hung out with my roommate and hadn’t made many new “hang-out” friends. What was I supposed to do with myself, alone on a Friday evening? I still had no options in sight.
It wasn’t until 4:00 p.m. Friday afternoon that I started to feel so alone that I felt panicked. My roommate had already left to go pick up her boyfriend, and I was quickly losing the brilliant feeling that everything would be just fine. Instead, I found myself in tears.
In the middle of my emotional state, I realized I needed to pull myself together. As a life-long student of Christian Science, I knew my security came directly from God. I thought about how much God loved me. And I knew that I deserved to feel His love tangibly. I couldn’t actually be alone with this omnipotent power looking out for me. There must be a place for me. The complete power of God was just too big to leave me, a reflection of His love, feeling left out.
As I focused on these facts, I began to think a little more clearly about what I needed to do that night. I decided to listen for God’s voice, as I’d learned about from the story of Elijah in the Bible (see I Kings 19:11, 12). In the midst of storm, danger, and temptation of fear, Elijah heard that “still small voice.” He realized God was not in the awesomely fearful things of earth, but instead God was in the quiet voice that was always speaking no matter what. So I did my best to hear something of this same reassuring voice that would remind me of what I needed to know to counter my own fear and loneliness. As I prayed, it wasn’t long before I began to feel peaceful again. And with this peace, a very clear answer occurred to me: I should go down to the cafe on campus for dinner.
I felt strongly that if I followed this guidance, my friendship fears couldn’t dominate the evening anymore. Somehow, I just knew I would find some really cool friends to be with. I think one of the most amazing things about listening to the “still small voice” of God is that even though it may not make much sense sometimes, it still feels 100 percent like the right thing to do. Even if I wanted to argue with God and tell Him I had no intention of eating alone in the cafe, I knew it was important to trust my answer.
At 7:00 p.m. I was out of my room, standing in that cafeteria line, staring at ziti—and waiting. Although more lonely, desperate feelings threatened to take hold of me, there was something about following God’s direction that reassured me it was worth sticking it out to see what would happen. All around me other students were happily chatting, laughing, and connecting. I didn’t pay much attention, until suddenly I realized that the guy behind me in line was talking to—me? Could this be the moment I was waiting for?
I have no idea what I said in response, but it must have been favorable. Pretty soon we were exchanging names and he was calling over his other friends to introduce them to me. I smiled, shook their hands, and even laughed a little despite myself.
“So what are you all doing tonight?” I asked as naturally as possible. And wouldn’t you know it, they invited me to come over and watch a movie with them. I could hardly believe it. My answer was filled with gratitude: “Yes, I’d love to!”
Pretty soon I was relaxing with my new friends, giggling at jokes, and watching Spirited Away for the first time. Inside I was grateful to know that my connection with God was the most reliable relationship there was in my life. The scary loneliness I’d felt earlier was replaced with a quiet conviction that anywhere I went, I would always have God to rely on for company. I saw firsthand that His care went so far as giving me direction for every step I took. God’s love would always surround me, and I could trust that love to direct my every action. Under that much care, how could I ever be alone?
Looking back on that experience, I’m still in awe of how my listening to God orchestrated the whole evening. The friends I met that night turned out to be some of the best connections I made that year. I’m proud of my decision to listen and trust God’s plan for me. That night’s protection filled me with the feeling of companionship that I had longed for so much. But beyond just finding human company, I now have the spiritual assurance that comes with knowing you can never be alone with God at your side. And knowing this to be true has been a spiritual blessing that’s reached far beyond just that one Friday night on campus.
Carol Matthews-Nicoli will be a sophomore in college next year. She’s spending her summer interning at a graphics design company.
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Excellent Carol - I like the way you write and I found your story inspirng and helpful at a time when I am having my own loneliness. Keep it up !
i enjoyed this sentence:
The complete power of God was just too big to leave me,
thanks! this really helps me in school! this is a really awsome healing!
wow! I’ve been in a similar situation before so I know how you felt. It’s really assuring that your need was met so beautifully through prayer. Divine Love really does meet every need!